I am heartbroken. Simply put.
How do you even think anything? Gutted, sad, miserable, heavy, the adjectives just go on. I was attending San Diego Comic Con when I heard the news from one of my friends. My first reaction was, “That’s not funny don’t lie like that.” I saw the serious look on his face and my face dropped. I immediately pulled out my phone and googled Chester’s name and it hit me like a speeding semi. I did what I always do when I hear news like this. I push it. I push it far far away and file it away in the back of my head for when I could come back and deal with it.
Now that I am back from my trip I’m bringing back out this information and trying to figure out how I process it. Obviously, I am sad, it’s someone who I felt got me. It is very rare to find people who just get you. Whether that is a friend, relative, or a celebrity. It’s just this unexplainable connection that is yours. As he expressed himself through music, I related to it. I took the songs and aligned them in times in my life to help me with emotions.
Linkin Park is one of my go to angsty bands. It is my “angry” music. When the world is too heavy and I need an escape that I can’t get out of sitting down and calmly watching TV I grab my portable speaker, I turn the volume up as high as it will go and I blast Linkin Park. There is something about screaming lyrics into an oblivion that is soothing for me. It’s the equivalent of punching a wall or screaming into your pillow. I’ve done this since middle school. It was Linkin Park, Papa Roach, and Evanescence that allowed me to take out frustrations. When I watch Linkin Park music videos now I look at Chester’s face. I look at his eyes and I resonate with it. He is so expressive and his lyrics are powerful. Some songs still take me back to dark times I had. When “Numb” ended with the last note played and faded out there was always this deep breath I would take after flinging my hair and jumping around my room. It was a therapy. Music is what feelings sound like. These were my feelings.
Angry is another emotion I am feeling. This is not the only celebrity we have lost due to mental health. Robin Williams, Autumn Synder, Lee Thompson Young, Gia Allemand, Dave Mirra, the list goes on. It upsets me the more people we continue to lose. At times like this, I feel helpless. But there are steps I can take to be more helpful. This blog is one of them. It’s not only a coping mechanism I use but I also get to speak to all of you and hopefully heal along side some of you. When news like this hits I like to reach out.
This is the time where it doesn’t matter how big of a fan you were of Chester or Linkin Park. It’s not about knowing all the lyrics to every song or how many albums you have downloaded on your phone. We don’t measure our grief in the knowledge we know about the person we lost. We just grieve. We are all fans or people who care and we are all sad. All of our feelings are valid no matter the status or connections we have to Chester or Linkin Park. This one hurts me a lot. But, this is how we come together and honor his memory. We open up the conversation and we fight that damn stigma.
Rest in Peace Chester.
If you need help coping with the loss of someone by suicide please visit the Jed Foundation by clicking here.
If you feel the need to talk to me about this please do not hesitate to contact me via Twitter, Instagram, or my email.